[She sees it in his eyes, that moment when something changes. She doesn't know what it was, not with confidence enough to make an actual guess at it, but she knows something has changed. And admittedly, this is...more than a little nervewracking for her, because she's done impossible things and won unprecedented victories and stayed alive, somehow, through it all, but right now this is demanding a sort of vulnerability from her that has never been easy. Confessing feelings has never been easy because there's always so much to lose, and she's so resigned to losing everything already, as it is.]
I felt like you were just one more good thing that the universe decided I wasn't allowed to have for too long.
[It's so honest it actually hurts, twisting up with pangs of acid in her knotty stomach.]
I'd gotten so used to the world fucking me over that I just...stopped hoping for anything. Like I didn't even...bother to try to enjoy things, even good things, because when you get invested in something like that, it just means somebody's got a new way to hurt you. You get your hopes up, you put all your hope in something and then it just...someone takes it away. Something ruins it. For a while I would just ruin anything good I ever had myself, because then at least someone else couldn't take it away from me. I'd already taken it away from myself.
[She reaches up, rubbing at her face, where her scars are hidden still beneath her illusion.]
But then you came along and you made me happy. Every time you were around I'd get so happy and then every time you left I'd wind up counting the minutes until it wasn't weird if I went and found you again. You're the best thing that's happened to me in...so long...
[The breath she drags in wobbles, trembling as the pitch of her voice goes high and tight.]
I just thought I'd gotten it wrong. Read a signal wrong or something. I thought I was stupid for thinking I might get to have something I wanted. Pushed it too far and wrecked it. I felt like...like you did this cute thing and I was like, haha, so you think I'm pretty, and you were like well hold up, now, nobody said that.
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I felt like you were just one more good thing that the universe decided I wasn't allowed to have for too long.
[It's so honest it actually hurts, twisting up with pangs of acid in her knotty stomach.]
I'd gotten so used to the world fucking me over that I just...stopped hoping for anything. Like I didn't even...bother to try to enjoy things, even good things, because when you get invested in something like that, it just means somebody's got a new way to hurt you. You get your hopes up, you put all your hope in something and then it just...someone takes it away. Something ruins it. For a while I would just ruin anything good I ever had myself, because then at least someone else couldn't take it away from me. I'd already taken it away from myself.
[She reaches up, rubbing at her face, where her scars are hidden still beneath her illusion.]
But then you came along and you made me happy. Every time you were around I'd get so happy and then every time you left I'd wind up counting the minutes until it wasn't weird if I went and found you again. You're the best thing that's happened to me in...so long...
[The breath she drags in wobbles, trembling as the pitch of her voice goes high and tight.]
I just thought I'd gotten it wrong. Read a signal wrong or something. I thought I was stupid for thinking I might get to have something I wanted. Pushed it too far and wrecked it. I felt like...like you did this cute thing and I was like, haha, so you think I'm pretty, and you were like well hold up, now, nobody said that.